This is not ok, cupid.

First of all, never write a poem to a girl as your first...

Mon, 22 Aug 2011 00:41:17 -0400

First of all, never write a poem to a girl as your first message.

Secondly, never start that poem with the term “evening stroke”.

This message was sent approximately a month and a half ago. A little creepy, but it was kept short,...

Sat, 06 Aug 2011 15:24:00 -0400

This message was sent approximately a month and a half ago. A little creepy, but it was kept short, so congratuwelldone on that.

However, I then received this message about a week ago.

Still keeping it short, still keeping it boring, and still hasn’t learned that if you just press that key once, it ends the sentence.

Today’s entry comes to us from a girl named Katie. I find...

Mon, 25 Jul 2011 12:17:09 -0400

Today’s entry comes to us from a girl named Katie.

I find the wording of this message to be very vague. Does he want her to watch him take his clothes off, then also watch him dildo his ass while he masturbates, or is she supposed to masturbate while watching this? Or do I have this all wrong, and is she supposed to dildo his ass while he masturbates? Then again, does it really matter? I feel like if Katie ever wants to come out of her shell, she might just take a public speaking class instead of ever responding to this message.

My favourite part of this is “you’re too stressed...

Mon, 04 Jul 2011 07:35:00 -0400

My favourite part of this is “you’re too stressed and stop taking care of yourself”. I forgot that stress and shampoo usage are inversely proportional to one another.

Today’s message is brought to you by the character...

Mon, 27 Jun 2011 15:11:13 -0400

Today’s message is brought to you by the character “tilde”.

He’s approximately over 40 (I’m not sure how this works, but his profile says he’s 46, so I guess that’s “approximately” above 40), approximately 6’ (5’10” on his profile), and approximately 230lbs (due to the lack of picture, I’m sure we can assume it’s about 250).

How couldn’t I be interested?

I think the results of this game are “go directly to...

Tue, 21 Jun 2011 12:37:58 -0400

I think the results of this game are “go directly to jail”.

At your age, I’m pretty sure the only shots I’d be...

Wed, 15 Jun 2011 16:06:02 -0400

At your age, I’m pretty sure the only shots I’d be giving you are your cortisone injections for your arthritis.

Another text post! (I know, how awful.) First of all, THANK-YOU SO MUCH to everyone who has...

Tue, 14 Jun 2011 12:08:00 -0400

Another text post! (I know, how awful.)

First of all, THANK-YOU SO MUCH to everyone who has commented/liked/reblogged/followed me. It honestly has surprised me that this many people think what I am doing is worth looking at. Watching my followers increase at the rate that they did was surreal to see, and I want to give you all a giant hug. (and mb some more if u are into it?????)

Secondly, I want to address a question that seems to be popping up over and over again in my inbox, and it has also been mentioned numerous times on reddit. This question is to whether or not my profile mentions something about oral sex, or if my profile is misleading to get these types of results. Now, the easiest way to prove this wrong would be to post my profile, but I am not going to do that because I prefer to keep this blog separate from the rest of my internet career, and also because I want the messages I get on there to be genuine, and not from people who KNOW I am looking for weird things to post.

However, what I want to say is how many of these messages and comments I have gotten about I must be ASKING for it in some way. My profile is 100% free of sexual comments/innuendo, and I am almost sure that the only sex-related question people can read about me is about abortion. But the thing is, even if my profile DID mention these things, THAT IS NOT AN EXCUSE TO SEND THESE MESSAGES.

The messages I get that I post here are (for the most part) completely inappropriate to send to someone you do not know. Even if a person’s profile mentions their love for anal sex, their proficiency at oral sex, or how their dream date would be to fuck on a swingset, THAT DOES NOT GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO SAY THESE THINGS TO THEM.

No one, no matter what is written on their profile, is ever ASKING for these types of messages (unless, of course, their profile specifies to send them something sexually awkward). And the amount of people who are somehow JUSTIFYING what these people are saying to me is appalling. What these people are sending me as “hello” messages are WRONG, simple as that.

Now, back to your regularly scheduled content.

NOPE.

Aside from the grammatical errors, this could be the description...

Mon, 13 Jun 2011 22:13:00 -0400

Aside from the grammatical errors, this could be the description of my blog.

So, apparently someone posted my tumblr on reddit, and now I have a bunch of new followers. Cool. Hi...

Mon, 13 Jun 2011 13:47:00 -0400

So, apparently someone posted my tumblr on reddit, and now I have a bunch of new followers. Cool. Hi guys.

Since then, I have gotten a handful of messages/comments in my ask, so I figured instead of answering them all separately in new posts and flooding your dash, I would just answer them all here.

Anonymous asked you:

soooo, you know you’re kind of a bitch right?

don’t worry, i’m not alone, all of reddit thinks so too.

Cool! I don’t think I’m a bitch, but it’s okay if you do.

Anonymous asked you:

seems to me like you must be asking for it in your profile or something.

How did you know? My “message me if” section actually just reads “if you can’t read and are twice my age, GET AT ME”.

Anonymous asked you:

dear lord, i had no idea… that is awful…. also i wanna fuck your ass with a baby in it, yea i mean in your but.

Same to you, anonymous. Same to you.

Anonymous asked you:

Not really a question, just some comments. First, funny stuff. Second, the plural of haiku is haiku. Third, I found you via Reddit (some people like knowing these things.) And fourth, I give great oral sex holla kbye lol.

First, thank-you. Second, thank-you! I will keep this in mind. Third, I do like knowing these things. And fourth, hallelujah holler back.

petiepal asked you:

This shit cracks me up. Thanks for all the laughs and I hope the creepsters keep at it. Makes me 1000% more confident I’m the only normal guy on OkCupid.

You’re quite welcome! And there are a few of you normal folk, but far and few between, unfortunately.

Anonymous asked you:

Why are you offended that someone listens to Mumford and Sons? I don’t get that…

There’s an ongoing joke between some of my friends and I about how terrible Mumford and Sons are as a band, and when I got a message that specifically mentioned them for absolutely no reason, I actually cried laughing. Am I genuinely offended that someone listens to a certain band? No. Am I going to make a joke out of it that my friends and I will enjoy? Of course.

trivanesh asked you:

does every girl get messages like this? are you hot?

From what I know, yes, basically every girls gets messages like this. As for whether or not I’m attractive, I like to think I do okay. I’d probably give myself somewhere between 7 and 7.5.

Anonymous asked you:

You are so hawt! We should go… do something creepy…. at a dark place at night…with my .. parents?

And now in all seriousness, very nice blog. Have a cookie.

It’s like you’re reading my dreams. And I definitely like cookies.

And I’m back.

Sun, 12 Jun 2011 02:57:48 -0400

And I’m back.

More offended by the fact that he is listening to Mumford and...

Mon, 30 May 2011 10:45:19 -0400

More offended by the fact that he is listening to Mumford and Sons than anything else.

I have no words. You win, internet.

Fri, 27 May 2011 00:32:33 -0400

I have no words. You win, internet.

Really, where do I even start? You get a huge amount of...

Thu, 26 May 2011 14:45:09 -0400

Really, where do I even start? You get a huge amount of attention from girls, yet you are sitting around waiting for me to get online. Okay. Also, we are a 13% match. What part of my profile do you even like? Not that you even paid attention to it, seeing as how I am 20.

I’d ask if he could name the second amendment, but part of...

Fri, 20 May 2011 05:07:23 -0400

I’d ask if he could name the second amendment, but part of me thinks he might not be able to count that high.

Guys, it’s 5-7-5. Haikus aren’t that hard.

Tue, 17 May 2011 07:33:35 -0400

Guys, it’s 5-7-5. Haikus aren’t that hard.

It’s been a few days since I have received any creepy...

Mon, 16 May 2011 12:03:40 -0400

It’s been a few days since I have received any creepy messages, but at least this one makes up for lost time.

Clearly we have different definitions of the word...

Tue, 10 May 2011 03:04:01 -0400

Clearly we have different definitions of the word “lucky”.

However, this allows me to use the “over 30” tag in more than one way, so at least I get that.

I just really have no words, but way to ruin The OC for me.

Tue, 10 May 2011 00:59:00 -0400

I just really have no words, but way to ruin The OC for me.

I guess this is a spin on the whole “I lost my teddy...

Sat, 07 May 2011 17:53:59 -0400

I guess this is a spin on the whole “I lost my teddy bear” line. What 32 year-old man sleeps with a teddy bear, though? I’m just going to assume it’s your daughter’s, and well, NO.