This is not ok, cupid.

Another text post! (I know, how awful.)

First of all, THANK-YOU SO MUCH to everyone who has commented/liked/reblogged/followed me. It honestly has surprised me that this many people think what I am doing is worth looking at. Watching my followers increase at the rate that they did was surreal to see, and I want to give you all a giant hug. (and mb some more if u are into it?????)

Secondly, I want to address a question that seems to be popping up over and over again in my inbox, and it has also been mentioned numerous times on reddit. This question is to whether or not my profile mentions something about oral sex, or if my profile is misleading to get these types of results. Now, the easiest way to prove this wrong would be to post my profile, but I am not going to do that because I prefer to keep this blog separate from the rest of my internet career, and also because I want the messages I get on there to be genuine, and not from people who KNOW I am looking for weird things to post.

However, what I want to say is how many of these messages and comments I have gotten about I must be ASKING for it in some way. My profile is 100% free of sexual comments/innuendo, and I am almost sure that the only sex-related question people can read about me is about abortion. But the thing is, even if my profile DID mention these things, THAT IS NOT AN EXCUSE TO SEND THESE MESSAGES.

The messages I get that I post here are (for the most part) completely inappropriate to send to someone you do not know. Even if a person’s profile mentions their love for anal sex, their proficiency at oral sex, or how their dream date would be to fuck on a swingset, THAT DOES NOT GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO SAY THESE THINGS TO THEM.

No one, no matter what is written on their profile, is ever ASKING for these types of messages (unless, of course, their profile specifies to send them something sexually awkward). And the amount of people who are somehow JUSTIFYING what these people are saying to me is appalling. What these people are sending me as “hello” messages are WRONG, simple as that.

Now, back to your regularly scheduled content.


So, apparently someone posted my tumblr on reddit, and now I have a bunch of new followers. Cool. Hi guys.

Since then, I have gotten a handful of messages/comments in my ask, so I figured instead of answering them all separately in new posts and flooding your dash, I would just answer them all here.


Anonymous asked you:
soooo, you know you’re kind of a bitch right?
don’t worry, i’m not alone, all of reddit thinks so too.

Cool! I don’t think I’m a bitch, but it’s okay if you do.

Anonymous asked you:
seems to me like you must be asking for it in your profile or something.

How did you know? My “message me if” section actually just reads “if you can’t read and are twice my age, GET AT ME”.

Anonymous asked you:
dear lord, i had no idea… that is awful…. also i wanna fuck your ass with a baby in it, yea i mean in your but.

Same to you, anonymous. Same to you.

Anonymous asked you:
Not really a question, just some comments. First, funny stuff. Second, the plural of haiku is haiku. Third, I found you via Reddit (some people like knowing these things.) And fourth, I give great oral sex holla kbye lol.

First, thank-you. Second, thank-you! I will keep this in mind. Third, I do like knowing these things. And fourth, hallelujah holler back.

petiepal asked you:
This shit cracks me up. Thanks for all the laughs and I hope the creepsters keep at it. Makes me 1000% more confident I’m the only normal guy on OkCupid.

You’re quite welcome! And there are a few of you normal folk, but far and few between, unfortunately.

Anonymous asked you:
Why are you offended that someone listens to Mumford and Sons? I don’t get that…

There’s an ongoing joke between some of my friends and I about how terrible Mumford and Sons are as a band, and when I got a message that specifically mentioned them for absolutely no reason, I actually cried laughing. Am I genuinely offended that someone listens to a certain band? No. Am I going to make a joke out of it that my friends and I will enjoy? Of course.

trivanesh asked you:
does every girl get messages like this? are you hot?

From what I know, yes, basically every girls gets messages like this. As for whether or not I’m attractive, I like to think I do okay. I’d probably give myself somewhere between 7 and 7.5.

Anonymous asked you:
You are so hawt! We should go… do something creepy…. at a dark place at night…with my .. parents?

And now in all seriousness, very nice blog. Have a cookie.

It’s like you’re reading my dreams. And I definitely like cookies.